The good things I didn’t want

I’m sitting in a coffee shop in San Pedro turning things over in my head, waiting for the Americano con leche to kick in. This is my 4th time in Guatemala and each time I’m here God brings something new to life in me. This time I suspect he’s stirring up more than I am aware of just yet.

I didn’t expect this trip to change me. I’ve been on a lot of mission trips, led a few of them, plus I did the world race. #beentheredonethat

But I’m growing more than I could have ever hoped for. To be honest, I didn’t come into this trip hoping for growth and if I’d had a choice I don’t think I would have chosen it. It’s been hard, exhausting, scary and beautiful. Holy Spirit has shown me that when I depend on Him I can do anything He leads me to. I can pray and rebuke the enemy even when I feel tired and defeated. I can speak words of life even when I’m frustrated. I can have joy even when I’m sleep deprived and weary. I can love when I feel like I have no more love to give. And he will be faithful to speak to me and through me as I seek him.

Being in this country always scares me a little because when I’m here I never want to leave. I already have a head full of dreams and a heart that longs to see them fulfilled. This month God has awoken new dreams. And I’ve resented him a little for that. There are so many passions and desires in me, and they often feel like puzzle pieces that don’t fit together. I think it’s scary to believe in my dreams. What if they never come true?

There have been so many questions inside my head lately. Why would God give me desires and not fulfill them? Why would he give me dreams and hopes that seem to oppose one another? Why does he keep calling me to fundraising when it’s so difficult for me? It’s not like he doesn’t know my life.

So many questions, and his answer is “I love you. You can trust me.”

Haven’t heard that one before…

I really hope you realize that was sarcastic, it’s a truth that sinks deeper into my soul each day. I don’t really understand a lot about my life right now but I understand that the Lord is good and that all good things come from him. I pray that no matter your circumstances you can see his goodness all around you and choose to trust him, our source of life and peace.

I see his goodness in the street dogs that greet me each morning, in te beauty of Lake Atitlan, in the eagerness of my students. I see his goodness in my co-leaders, and in the genuine and kind eyes of my new friend Olivia, one of the vendors on our street. I taste and see that the Lord is good every time I drink coffee. That one made me laugh at myself haha.

“Of this I am still sure: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13

One more thing. I’m not here to beg, but I truly am in desperate need of financial supporters. Please ask the Lord if he desires for you to contribute to building his kingdom through me. If he asks you to give you can trust him to provide no matter what your financial situation is. 

Much love, peace and blessings.